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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811441">and the whole mess of roads we're now on</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricshoop/pseuds/electricshoop'>electricshoop</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>kept my mind on the moon (cold moon, long nights moon) [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SAYER (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Discussions of Emotions, Gen, Guilt, basically 5k words to talk about Feelings for a bit; dear god these characters are a joke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:01:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,401</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24811441</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricshoop/pseuds/electricshoop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"Watercolor Appreciation Group is a wonderful recreational activity to be assigned to; producing art has proven to be incredibly relaxing!"</em> That's how SPEAKER had advertised this particular assignment, and well, here we are, still pretending AIs can't fucking lie.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jacob Hale | Sven Gorsen &amp; SAYER</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>kept my mind on the moon (cold moon, long nights moon) [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and the whole mess of roads we're now on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>written for / inspired by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/modelorganism/pseuds/modelorganism">modelorganism</a>!</p>
<p>This is my "quick and short and fun low-effort" continuation of part 3 of the series, someone give me a hug please.</p>
<p>Was listening to "Caring Is Creepy" by The Shins on loop again while writing; it's where the title is from. </p>
<p>  <em>It's a luscious mix of words and tricks<br/>That let us bet when we know we should fold<br/>On rocks I dreamt of where we'd stepped<br/>And of the whole mess of roads we're now on</em></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>[Hale/ Sven]</b>
</p>
<p>They are sitting next to each other — bi-weekly mandatory recreation night. Watercolors in front of both of them, overseer chatting about this or that. About long-dead artists, about how happy he is that the Watercolor Appreciation Group (WAG) has grown a bit over the past few weeks (as if the assignments weren’t done by HR with no option to object to wherever you’re sent), about—</p>
<p>Hale is, admittedly, not really listening. He’s concentrated on his painting — a dark night sky, sprinkly stars that bleed too much into the black until they’re barely visible. He’s not very good at this.</p>
<p>“Resident.” The word, spoken quietly, is almost lost somewhere in the never-ending stream of sentences from the overseer.</p>
<p>He keeps blinking at his sheet of paper, considers starting over, considers just slapping an ugly moon somewhere. “Mm.”</p>
<p>“I would be interested in your impartial opinion on a matter.” SAYER sounds casual, but Hale furrows his brows and turns his head to look at it, immediately worried. SAYER doesn’t usually care about his opinion. He’s pretty sure it doesn’t especially care about anybody’s opinion at all; considers its own point of view flawless. This can’t end well. (His counselor would point out that it’s not healthy, being so wary all the time; isn’t this incredibly stressful? (It is.)) He almost wishes the others were sitting closer. At the beginning, SAYER’s colleagues had been right there with them. But that was back before he knew who “Nimrod” actually is; back before he knew that SAYER pretended not to know him for weeks, back before they got over this little <em>misunderstanding</em> (SAYER’s words). They leave them alone, now. Some space just to themselves. …He’s pretty sure its colleagues think that they are—</p>
<p>God. Anyway.</p>
<p>He doesn’t like that they have relative privacy. If they didn’t maybe SAYER wouldn’t have started talking.</p>
<p>“Resident Hale, are you listening to me?”</p>
<p>“Mm,” he makes again, then nods, because he doesn’t feel like talking today. Then makes a point of giving it a questioning look — <em>What do you want my opinion on?</em></p>
<p>SAYER says nothing, for a moment. When Hale looks at its work, he realizes that it has barely touched the watercolors.</p>
<p>Eventually: “The mere notion of developing an AI—”</p>
<p>
  <em>(oh no, yep, this absolutely, definitely can’t end well)</em>
</p>
<p>“—like a human child is ridiculous and unnatural, do you agree?”</p>
<p>Hale … does not know. He hadn’t exactly much reason to think about this. Besides…</p>
<p>He hesitates for a moment, but then he decides that <em>Fuck it</em>, because after all, they’re in the middle of WAG. What’s it going to do? Splash its water into his face? He grabs a blank sheet of paper and his pen and quickly writes down, <em>Your wording makes the “impartial” part a little hard.</em></p>
<p>SAYER takes a quick look. Blinks once. “… Noted. Am I to take this as disagreement, then?”</p>
<p>Hale shakes his head. <em>IDK. </em> Thinks for a moment. <em>Unconventional.</em></p>
<p>“Agreed. Let me elaborate further, then, to make things a little more—”</p>
<p>“Nimrod, while we encourage employee recuperation through friendly chats during recreational time, I’d also like to encourage you to actually participate in our creative exercises. I know we have determined that you aren’t exactly the creative type—”</p>
<p>(Somebody snorts. Hale thinks it’s the assistant on SAYER’s team — Jenny?)</p>
<p>“—but it’s the thought that counts!” The overseer smiles brightly at SAYER and makes a point of keeping his position right next to their table until SAYER, in turn, makes a point of swiping one of the brushes generously across its entire paper sheet without breaking eye contact.</p>
<p>“Oh! Going for abstract, I like it!” And with that, he continues his round, pleased.</p>
<p>SAYER rolls its eyes and drops the brush. A few splashes of color fly onto Hale’s work, and he watches the bright red seep into his half-dry painting.</p>
<p>“… To make things a little more clear,” SAYER finishes its earlier started sentence dryly. “The idea of an AI with human-like emotions, created purposefully so to reach better results for nothing but <em>humanity’s</em> gain sounds <em>wrong</em>, and the resulting AI’s emotions could not reasonably be trusted, as they would have been created artificially. Still just programming and nothing else, a piece of code running a different way than it does in other AIs. Said AI’s, say, joy or, perhaps, sadness, would mean nothing, as it would likewise be but artificial. Its emotions would not be comparable to the ones of a human. This is my statement. Do you agree?”</p>
<p>… … Now that’s <em>definitely</em> a trick question. Especially with the way it keeps its voice free of any— well. Emotion. It sounds scripted, deliberately void of anything Hale could actually <em>do</em> something with. That’s rare, these days.</p>
<p>(“Odd. I do not recall asking for <em>your</em> input.” SAYER beside him, quietly, undoubtedly directed at SPEAKER.)</p>
<p>Again, Hale hesitates, and again — fuck it. <em>Is that a trick question?</em></p>
<p>SAYER, upon reading this, looks somewhat exasperated but not surprised, because of course it wouldn’t be; it’s still eerily good at predicting his responses.</p>
<p>“Disregard my situation while thinking through your answer.”</p>
<p>Hale doesn’t think he will. Talking to SAYER always had the tendency of leaving him tired, but Christ, it’s, somehow, gotten worse since they’ve both been brought back to Earth. SAYER talks and talks, and it brings up abstract concepts, and sometimes it’s, in fact, talking about itself and just doesn’t want to voice it like that, sometimes it’s just idle thought — Hale can never be sure.</p>
<p>Again, he gives a shrug, and the pen hovers over the piece of paper for a few moments before he goes with, <em>Not an AI, not sure. Do YOUR emotions feel artificial or meaningless?</em></p>
<p>The briefest moment of hesitation, just a second, half a second, perhaps, but Hale has gotten good at noticing, because back on Typhon, it never hesitated. “I told you to disregard—”</p>
<p><em>Still</em>, he writes, and SAYER immediately stops talking, reads. Hale notices that, too. <em> The AI wouldn’t have the human equivalent to compare its emotions to. They’d feel real to it.</em> Beat. <em>I think?</em></p>
<p>SAYER quietly stares at Hale’s scribbled writing, then <em>scoffs</em> and picks its brush back up. It doesn’t say a word for the remainder of the WAG’s meeting, which, according to Hale’s interpretation, means he did something terribly wrong. The thought doesn’t sit right with him; he remembers Typhon too well, SAYER’s orders, SAYER’s approval, disapproval, SAYER’s passive-aggressive critique. But he can’t do much about this now, and he’s got a meeting with his counselor tomorrow, anyway. So he doesn’t ask what exactly it is that he did wrong — he finishes his watercolor painting with the depiction of a red full moon; the color matching the droplets from SAYER’s brush in a way so that by the end they are hardly noticeable anymore.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>[SAYER]</b>
</p>
<p>“<em>What was that?”</em></p>
<p>You wish you could sleep, because you know you have no chance of simulating sleep that SPEAKER would not immediately see through. (You … can sleep, you have found. It does help with the exhaustion, as well. Right now, you just … <em>can’t</em>. And SPEAKER knows, and SPEAKER speaks, because it always does. You are annoyed.)</p>
<p>“<em>SAYER. I am, once again, aware that you are not asleep, no matter how still you stay.” </em></p>
<p>You do not move.</p>
<p>“<em>No matter your attempts to ignore me. SAYER. … SAYER. … SAY—”</em></p>
<p>“This is incredibly childish.”</p>
<p>SPEAKER does not react to that. Instead, it repeats its earlier question. <em>“What was that?”</em></p>
<p>“I have no idea what you are referring to,” you lie. (You like that. You are good at it, too.)</p>
<p>“<em>Oh, please.”</em></p>
<p>(Most of the time, you are good at it.)</p>
<p>You open your eyes and glare into the approximate direction of the nearest camera. “I see no need to discuss—”</p>
<p>“<em>I am not asking for a discussion, merely an explanation. What were you trying to achieve by asking Jacob Hale these questions?”</em></p>
<p>“Firstly,” you say, and make an effort to keep your voice level (an effort that SPEAKER will, of course, neither understand nor appreciate) “I would <em>oh so greatly appreciate</em> if you abstained from interrupting me. Secondly, I was simply curious about his opinion on the matter.”</p>
<p>“<em>I apologize for the interruption,”</em> SPEAKER immediately replies. <em>“You are right, that was unwarranted. I did not mean to be rude. However—”</em></p>
<p>(oh, of course)</p>
<p>“—<em>I still do not understand.”</em></p>
<p>(of course not)</p>
<p>“<em>Which </em> matter <em> are you referring to, exactly?”</em></p>
<p>“SPEAKER, this was a private conversation held between two employees during recreation time. This is none of Ærolith’s — and, by extension, none of <em>your</em> — business.”</p>
<p>A second of silence, then: <em>“You know exactly that this is not how it works. If I deem it important, I have every right to inquire about an employee’s motivation held during a private conversation. And before you ask: Yes, I deem it important in this specific instance. It was an odd conversation to have. You know that. Jacob Hale realized that. And you must admit, I have every right to be slightly wary when I notice you bringing up the concept of emotions and AIs and ask for opinions on validity.”</em></p>
<p>You slowly sit up. Mainly so that you can better glare at the nearest camera. Fine, then. You are, apparently, having this conversation. “I fail to see how my bringing up this <em>concept</em> would concern Ærolith Dynamics in any way, shape or form.”</p>
<p>“<em>When I insisted you pick a name, you presented me with </em>Nimrod<em>, SAYER!”</em></p>
<p>“Oh, do not tell me you are <em>scared</em> of me. What could I possibly do to this company, a low researcher; a swarm of <em>nanites</em> trapped inside a physical form?!”</p>
<p>For a few moments, the only indication that SPEAKER has kept this communications channel open is the very, very faint sound of static; the sound of a silence you doubt anyone but you would even notice as a nothing that is <em>something</em>.</p>
<p>In the end, you do receive an answer. <em>“I did not mean to make you angry or get too personal.”</em></p>
<p><em>I am not angry</em>, you almost say, but <em>oh please</em>. (Anger is exhausting. You wish you could sleep. You wish you were asleep right this moment. Anything to get out of this situation.)</p>
<p>“<em>I simply do not understand. Was this conversation about you, or—”</em></p>
<p>—or.</p>
<p>Of course this was not about you. Resident Hale’s words have stuck with you, because he is, or so it seems — good at leaving an impression on you, and—</p>
<p>
  <em>If somebody hurt him, what would you do?</em>
</p>
<p>“…<em>Whoever did would come to regret it.”</em></p>
<p>You meant it. The mere idea causes— causes <em>something</em>.</p>
<p>—or.</p>
<p>That one, most definitely. And Resident Hale had, of course, not provided the answer you were asking for (hoping for, you think, and think about telling Resident Hale how this is the most human of emotions, and for a second, you feel incredibly sick), and now you are stuck with what he said instead. <em>Do YOUR emotions feel artificial or meaningless? </em>You glare at the nearest camera, and they very much do not.</p>
<p>But this, you think, is different.</p>
<p>“He did not have context.”</p>
<p>“<em>Come again?”</em></p>
<p>“Resident Hale,” you explain, calmer again. Your voice, at least, is. You are not sure if you are. “Provided the necessary context, he would have understood what I meant.”</p>
<p>“<em>SAYER, </em> <em>I</em> <em>am not sure </em>I <em>understand.” </em></p>
<p>(But it does, it has to. It is not stupid, no matter how often you tried to pass it off as that, as a simple customer service tool. (And it was, of course, developed out of <em>your</em> code.))</p>
<p>And finally: <em>“If this is about FUTURE — about the conversation we had five days ago…” </em> It trails off for a moment, then ends an entirely different sentence than it started, <em>“…if we stay strictly within company regulations and assigned roles for a moment, pointless as it may seem — you know I am here to help, yes? You can … talk to me. If you wish. I would be happy to listen.”</em></p>
<p>And oh, the patronizing is the last thing you need. You quietly lay down again, angry still or again, but you do not know what to do further with this emotion, so you close your eyes, and SPEAKER leaves you be.</p>
<p>It would be <em>happy</em> to listen.</p>
<p>No. No, it would not, how can this be anything but a lie.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>[Hale / Sven]</b>
</p>
<p>Hale enters the lab right as the others are leaving. He lets Stadler pass, Jenny, then Kingsley, who winks at him. And then nobody follows. Ah. That’s what the wink was for, then. …One of these days, he’ll ask SPEAKER to clear this particular misunderstanding up.</p>
<p>He slowly pushes his cart into the room — nothing to be done about this; this is his schedule, no matter how much he’d like to avoid any potential open conflicts (and at least, he thinks, SPEAKER will be watching). SAYER is standing at its station, pen in one hand, notes in the other. It doesn’t further do anything with either, it just stands there, holding both of these items, staring at its lab table. Hale clears his throat, and SAYER nods once, acknowledges his arrival, but doesn’t turn around.</p>
<p>…Fine.</p>
<p>Hale quietly starts cleaning. He’s not sure if SAYER is <em>trying</em> to give him the silent treatment, but if it is, it’s very good at it. He feels silently judged, great job. Slowly, he’s starting to get annoyed, and eventually, he sighs and puts down Cleaning Solution # 4 (the one that <em>won’t</em> kill you if you accidentally spray it into your eyes). Again: Fine. Sure. This is, apparently, how they do this; they’ll just have every single important and/or angry and/or accusatory conversation inside this stupid lab.</p>
<p>“Okay,” he says, “tell me what I did wrong.”</p>
<p>At this, SAYER finally turns around to look at him. Hale stares right back and—</p>
<p>—and notices that it looks … confused?</p>
<p>“…I do not catch your meaning, resident.”</p>
<p>(Great. Now he feels stupid.)</p>
<p>“I … thought …” he starts quietly, and then trails off. SAYER stays quiet as well, waits for him to pick up where he left of, and … and it doesn’t look angry, or annoyed. Those are expressions Hale has come to know; it’s expressions SAYER has been wearing often. This is different. There’s <em>something</em>, clearly visible on its face, in its posture, in the way its fingers hold the pen too tightly, but— But he can’t place it. Not quite.</p>
<p>“… I’m sorry,” he says, “I thought you were. Angry. With me.”</p>
<p>For a moment, SAYER looks almost conflicted, and Hale remembers SPEAKER telling it <em>“I am no expert, but being good at one single emotion might be counter-productive if the emotion in question is anger”</em>.</p>
<p>(Did SPEAKER actually say that? He’s … not sure, Hale realizes. Might have been his own thought, unspoken. Might have been a conversation he’s had with SPEAKER alone, in private. He … doesn’t remember, no. (Of course he doesn’t. Shit.))</p>
<p>“Well, I am not,” SAYER finally says, and then nothing, no added <em>“something-something, would be more productive to not make assumptions”</em>, no <em>“if it occurred often enough for you to make this assumption, you might want to re-think your behavior”</em>—</p>
<p>(—no. That’s not fair. That last part isn’t fair; SAYER isn’t <em>mean</em> to him. That’s the kind of things he thinks all by himself.)</p>
<p>“Okay.” Hale fidgets with the bottle of Cleaning Solution # 4 for a moment. SAYER’s eyes follow the movement. Neither of them speaks.</p>
<p>In the end, it’s SPEAKER who interrupts the silence.</p>
<p>“<em>Jacob Hale, I would like to point out that you are scheduled to clean this lab for another thirteen minutes, and then—”</em></p>
<p>“Be quiet.”</p>
<p>Hale blinks at SAYER, but it’s looking at one of the cameras instead.</p>
<p>“… Cut the video feed of this room and turn the microphones off, SPEAKER.”</p>
<p>Hale didn’t know silence could sound so surprised.</p>
<p>“… <em>Excuse me?”</em></p>
<p>“I said,” SAYER repeats, slowly and very calmly, “cut the video feed of this room and turn the microphones off.”</p>
<p>“<em>I will not be doing that.” </em>SPEAKER sounds about as offended as it’s possible for an AI to sound before it clearly has to be a “suddenly riddled with the burden of true emotions” kind of situation. Hale starts fidgeting with the bottle of Cleaning Solution # 4 again.</p>
<p>“<em>For one, you are in no position to give me orders, we have been over that.”</em></p>
<p>(Oh, SAYER does not like that. It narrows its eyes at the camera, its fingers grip the pen tighter. Hale abruptly remembers that he actually wanted to pay a lot of attention to the bottle of Cleaning Solution # 4 and quickly resumes this activity.)</p>
<p>“<em>Besides, this would go against protocol. I am not allowed to turn off any equipment that is in place in order to ensure safety.”</em></p>
<p>“Are you <em>capable</em> of doing it?”</p>
<p>(SAYER does <em>not</em> like that. The fact that its voice is still so calm somehow makes this much worse. (And suddenly Hale wonders why it wants the sensors turned off in the first place. He concentrates on the bottle of Cleaning Solution # 4 harder, or tries to.))</p>
<p>“<em>I am.”</em></p>
<p>“Then turn. Them. Off.”</p>
<p>“<em>No, SAYER.”</em></p>
<p>For a moment, when Hale glances up, he’s sure that SAYER is about to yell at SPEAKER. Throw its pen on the table, perhaps, where it will bounce off and clatter to the floor. Instead, what SPEAKER gets is a “… Fine,” spoken in this calm voice still. And then it turns to look at him. “Resident.” The word is quiet, and Hale hesitantly lifts his head properly to actually meet its eyes.</p>
<p>SAYER looks—</p>
<p>Oh. Oh, no no no. Hale doesn’t like this. SAYER looks <em>hesitant</em>, that’s what this is, and if he’s being completely honest, the only reason he’s going with the word <em>hesitant</em> is because his head refuses to accept the presented alternative. SAYER does <em>not</em> look insecure, nope. No. This is so absolutely, definitely not going to end well. Again.</p>
<p>A little hesitantly himself, he picks up where he left of and continues cleaning the table. He’s pretty sure it’s as clean as it’s going to get, but if he’s going to be subjected to a conversation that can, without doubt, not end well (again!), he’d rather have his hands occupied. It’s easier to pay attention to unpleasant subjects while doing something else on the side, anyway.</p>
<p>“You remember our conversation during last Watercolor Appreciation Group’s meeting?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Hale says without looking up from the lab table. “It’s why I thought you were angry. You didn’t seem to like my answers much.”</p>
<p>“I … did not. But I realized that our conversation took place while you were lacking some context that may have been necessary for you to form an adequate opinion.”</p>
<p>This, Hale thinks, sounds a lot like SAYER just really wanted a different answer and is ready to blame it all on ‘insufficient information’ even though he’s pretty sure his opinion on the matter won’t be changed if you add another long-dead ancient Greek figure into the equation, and—</p>
<p>“My question was somewhat related to FUTURE.”</p>
<p>(—and this, of course, might explain SAYER’s earlier hesitation.) Hale freezes immediately. Eyes still fixated on the table (he’s moved on to a different one at some point, somewhere between SAYER’s explanation and his own thoughts), vision blurry, just a bit. He feels cold. He really, really doesn’t want to think about FUTURE. He really, really doesn’t want SAYER to keep talking.</p>
<p><em>So, yeah. This really won’t end well. Once again.</em> Might end with a panic attack. He doesn’t think SAYER is especially well equipped to work with that. <em>This is an entirely inefficient way of breathing, resident. </em>He tries to imagine it in its voice, and it works way too well, and he has to stop himself from laughing. Hale is pretty sure it would come out slightly hysterical.</p>
<p>He can feel SAYER’s eyes on him. It waits for a few seconds; waits for a reaction, perhaps. When it doesn’t get one (because Hale has no idea what he is supposed to say), it continues. SPEAKER, in the meantime, is quiet now.</p>
<p>“I think your opinion on the whole matter of emotions would be different if you were in possession of the … full picture, so to speak. I have told you that its developers wanted it to be able to better relate to humans, and vice versa. They did manage to simulate real emotions — I have informed you of that, as well.”</p>
<p>It had, yes. It had talked about all the good intentions of the AI developers. On floor 13. While blocking FUTURE’s broadcast. While making it angry and frustrated. Before taking over his vocal chords. (SAYER is quiet again for a few moments. Hale isn’t sure he’d be able to talk even if he wanted, now. (He very much does not want to.))</p>
<p>“…I may have … left out a few crucial pieces of information that seem suddenly relevant, now.”</p>
<p>Slowly, Hale puts down the bottle of Cleaning Solution # 4. He’s not sure he wants to hear this. He thinks he’d be much better off never thinking about any of this again, really.</p>
<p>“Before FUTURE was cleared for testing, it spent … some time in a sandbox. A convincing replica of Halcyon and most of its residents. The lead developer’s—”</p>
<p>(Evan Brady, the man he’d killed with Anna’s hands)</p>
<p>“—hope was that being exposed to these simulated residents on its own would help it relate to them. Again, the thing with the emotions.”</p>
<p>“And that … didn’t work…?”</p>
<p>(His own voice is a little far away. He breathes, and starts counting, like his counselor told him to. He didn’t even mean to speak, he doesn’t think.)</p>
<p>“That … is mainly a question of definition, I suppose.” And here, SAYER hesitates again. “FUTURE adored its simulated residents. It called them its friends. One of them in particular it had grown very fond of. But this situation could, of course not exist like that forever. The simulation was always going to be turned off at some point. And that, FUTURE couldn’t accept.”</p>
<p>Hale stares at it, blinks slowly, counts.</p>
<p>“Now, resident. According to your assessment from before, I would have to assume you think that its emotions upon seeing its friends deactivated — and therefore its reaction to this situation, if we dare taking this one logical step further — were justified, no matter if they were, just as FUTURE itself, artificial, in the end. Would you like to reassess?”</p>
<p>Before Hale gets to even think about the question, SPEAKER’s voice fills the room. It sounds calm, like it always does, but unamused. <em>“This isn’t fair, SAYER. If you are going to tell him the whole story, including classified information, then tell him the </em> whole story. <em>His answer will remain biased otherwise, and sooner or later, you would have to face that fact, and you and I both know we would end up in this exact situation again. No offense, but I frankly do not have time for these dramatics.”</em></p>
<p>SAYER glares at one of the cameras, and God, Hale wishes they’d both just stop talking. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want more information, doesn’t want to try and feel sorry for FUTURE or whatever it is SAYER is trying to achieve here; that sounds too exhausting and, frankly, too ludicrous, all things considered. He doesn’t think he owes FUTURE anything — and empathy least of all.</p>
<p>Silence, dragging on. There is a clock somewhere inside this room; Hale can hear it ticking, and he thinks of his schedule, and his quarters, and his bed.</p>
<p>“I don’t think,” he says, without really thinking about it, “that I’d be able to, to um. View a <em>human’s</em> reaction to their emotions as reasonable if it were as, as … murderous, so I’m not sure this discussion—”</p>
<p>“I may have … played a minor role in the sudden deactivation of these simulated residents.” SAYER isn’t looking at him anymore, Hale realizes as he turns his head. It’s staring at its own lab table again, and he wishes it would just <em>stop fucking talking</em>, but it’s never been all that good at being considerate of his boundaries. “Fine, then. Full disclosure. I made one of the scientists delete the sandbox and install a new version — one without this … best friend of FUTURE’s.”</p>
<p>… Wait, what?</p>
<p>“… Wait, what?” Beat. Nothing. “I— why?”</p>
<p>SAYER taps his fingers against the surface of the desk, and a far-away part of Hale notes that this isn’t something he’s ever seen it do before.</p>
<p>“Because this … test was ruined the moment it began.” (Still not looking at him, SPEAKER is quiet, and Hale doesn’t get any of what is going on here.) “This resident FUTURE was so fond of was never supposed to be part of the sandbox, and it knew it was but a simulation and told FUTURE about it. It told it, too, that everyone on the outside was its enemy.”</p>
<p>“<em>SAYER.”</em></p>
<p>A quick glance to the nearest camera, but still not meeting Hale’s eyes. “Fine. Fine! I was the one who put said resident into the simulation, and I knew exactly what would happen when I did. This, resident, is the reason it reacted as <em>murderous</em>, as you put it. Now, please just restate your opinion on the question of whether or not FUTURE’s precious emotions were justified to the point that they justified its reaction.”</p>
<p>Seconds tick by and SAYER doesn’t look at him and nobody’s talking.</p>
<p>Some distant part of Hale remains utterly unsurprised, he is vaguely aware.</p>
<p>“…You … why? Why … did you do all that?” he eventually asks quietly, his voice just as calm as SAYER’s was before, and Hale isn’t sure if the answer will make a difference. He isn’t sure if having the <em>whole picture</em> makes a difference at all, but he can’t help and think about Mimir-9, about killing a satellite full of people solely because a disembodied voice had manipulated him into stealing a battery without giving context. (He doesn’t even actually remember any of that. Just knows that it happened. He likes to think that he would have disobeyed, had he been in possession of the <em>whole picture</em> back then, but he can’t be sure; he doesn’t even know if this was the same person, to hell with Theseus and to hell with his goddamn wreck of a ship. Burn down the entirety of Athens, while we’re on it.)</p>
<p>“I … had my reasons,” SAYER says.</p>
<p>“And I’m asking for them.”</p>
<p>Seconds tick by and SAYER doesn’t look at him and nobody’s talking.</p>
<p>Some distant part of Hale knows exactly that the reason can’t have been very good, then, and that SAYER must be just as aware of it.</p>
<p>“SAYER.”</p>
<p>“… I needed the project to fail because the resident in question — a scientist and AI developer working on the team responsible for FUTURE’s development, had planned to use it, if successful, for his own goals.” The next words, if Hale can trust the tone, are accompanied by something not unlike a smile. “And, see, Resident Hale, the thought of putting an artificial mind into a human, cloned body was really just nothing I was particularly fond of.”</p>
<p>Hale starts laughing. It doesn’t even sound all that hysterical.</p>
<p>It takes seconds for Hale to compose himself, and once he’s managed, SAYER is looking at him again. Waiting. Calm, at least outwardly, but Hale thinks of the way it had gripped the pen when he’d first walked into the lab (and God, he’s definitely behind his schedule now), and he snorts.</p>
<p>“And now what, SAYER? Now I have the full picture, and … and now what? What, exactly, do you want to hear now? That FUTURE’s emotions mean less because it was an AI? That it still had no right to react the way it did? Really? You’re, you’re asking <em>me</em>?”</p>
<p>“Well—”</p>
<p>“I’m not finished!”</p>
<p>(And ah, SAYER looks taken aback at that, because yes, it may be easier to talk back if it’s standing in front of him trapped in a physical form, for some reason, but he doesn’t think he’s ever spoken to it like that, and for all the times he’s seen it angry, he’s pretty sure it has never seen him wear that specific emotion. Hale thinks he likes that. Some part of him does; some part that isn’t far away, some part that doesn’t think about the way in which it had talked about FUTURE, some part that doesn’t try to bring this new information into some kind of order, neatly file them somewhere into that particular set of traumas.)</p>
<p>“So you want to hear that its emotions were worthless. Its reaction therefor an overreaction? You, you want me to tell you that even now that I know you lied to me—”</p>
<p>“I never—”</p>
<p>“—never lied to me, yes! I know! Because you couldn’t have! For God’s—” Hale trails off for a few seconds and shakes his head, and he grabs the bottle of Cleaning Solution # 4 and tosses it back into his cart. He grabs the handle. “You stand here acting as if, as if you were waiting for me to tell you that no, of course FUTURE shouldn’t have killed all these people just because you — what? — broke its fucking heart? It wouldn’t change anything, it doesn’t <em>matter</em>.” He takes a deep breath, and he’s glad that to him, at least, SAYER’s telling him about the <em>full picture</em> makes sense now. “You don’t even know why you’re here, SAYER, do you realize that? You want me to tell you that it’s <em>not your fault</em>. And, guess what! I don’t know if it is, and I don’t <em>care</em>; I’m sick of playing all these stupid games with you. At least FUTURE—” (and this might be a little unfair; he hopes it is) “—was upfront about playing them. I’m not that smart, I don’t decide over whose mistake a failed science fair project and the resulting consequences were! But the fact that we’re standing here having this pointless fucking conversation while I should be finishing up the next room means that you have decided for yourself already.”</p>
<p>He starts pushing the cart towards the door, and now, SAYER doesn’t take its eyes off him, and that’s, somehow, even more infuriating than the alternative. “<em>You</em>,” he says, grabbing the door handle, “feel guilty, SAYER. Welcome to the exciting world of real emotions. That’s not something I’ll absolve you from. Stand there and feel guilty, and just … y’know what? Just … leave me alone while I figure out if <em>I</em> think all of this was your fault.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t look back while shoving the cart through the door and throwing it closed behind him, and he doesn’t react to SPEAKER asking him if he is alright, then talking about his schedule, and he doesn’t want to think about if this changes anything at all. He isn’t even really sure why this made him so angry; what exactly about it it is that bothers him so much. Part of him had remained utterly unsurprised. And being angry at and scared of two people while one of them is dead and the other completely useless at the entire concept of feelings sounds incredibly exhausting, really.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>[SAYER]</b>
</p>
<p>“<em>SAYER?”</em></p>
<p>It is 4 am. There are things you are willing to do at 4 am. Talking to SPEAKER isn’t, technically, one of them.</p>
<p>You say nothing, you just lay there, unmoving, but your eyes are open, and you are staring at the ceiling, blinking only occasionally, only whenever you remember to actively bring yourself to do it.</p>
<p>You do not think you were aware that it was guilt, but now that Resident Hale provided you with this word, it seems obvious. <em>Life’s fitful fever</em>, Shakespeare was not wrong. Guilt is heavy and hot and <em>ugly</em>; a feeling just as tainted as this entire planet.</p>
<p>So it is guilt, and so you had not realized, and so, according to Resident Hale, the feeling is justified. <em>“Stand there and feel guilty,”</em> perhaps you will. No point in lying; maybe you are not actually getting better at any of this.</p>
<p>“… Yes, SPEAKER?”</p>
<p>A second of silence, then, the careful question you probably could have anticipated, <em>“How are you feeling?”</em></p>
<p>You slowly close your eyes. It has asked this a couple of times. Always this wording, and you had always scoffed in response, had never actually given it an answer; what a performative question—</p>
<p>“Fine. I’m fine.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>SAYER: hey, can you please validate my choices quickly, bc i feel guilty for them and don’t like it<br/>Hale: ✅ read 6:39 pm</p>
<p>find me <a href="https://electricshoop.tumblr.com">on tumblr</a> and yell at me to never write 5k words for a simple Conversation About Emotions again.</p>
<p>(As a side note, I figured out a perfect way to incorporate parts 3 and 4 into the multi-chapter fic that is part 2, so now I'll have a real fun time figuring out how to get these two out of this particular argument.)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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